The Six Rules of Maybe: Essay

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The Six Rules of Maybe: Essay

The Laws of Average and the Rules of Maybe

“You’ve seen it, and so have I…”

You wonder how some current, contemporary ideas of ours will be seen centuries from now (okay, I wonder how some current, contemporary ideas of ours will be seen centuries from now). Like the earth being the center of the universe, or curing disease by bloodletting, or the shock of a woman displaying her ankles in public, there are things happening now that folks are sure to think are crazy in a hundred years. (Of course, it doesn’t always take that long. Remember The Backstreet Boys? And that diet which encouraged eating vast amounts of BACON and other meats?!) We can’t even imagine a doctor putting leeches all over our body to get rid of persistent headaches. And I’m guessing (or else, I’m hoping) that one day people won’t be able to imagine our current, deeply held beliefs in the importance of self, self esteem, and the closely tied motivational movements that say we can be and do anything we set out to do.

“Narcissism, Past”

I’m expecting you to sling some arrows, because questioning deeply held beliefs tends to upset people, as Galileo would surely agree after that nasty old Inquisition. Still, I know I’m not the only one who’s noticed that the self esteem movement has perhaps moved from a good idea to a disastrous one. Its good intentions have, over time, steered us straight onto the scary freeway of narcissism, doing disservice not only to the self, but to everyone else, too. You’ve seen it, I know. In the crazed, anxious mothers driven to tricks and evil deeds to get their kid into the gifted program, in the bad mannered sports dads who’ve had their eye on athletic scholarships ever since T-ball, in the kids who’ve lost all joy in their blank determination for straight A perfection and that college-admission-dream-job-BMW-“success” of the future. In the kid who’s convinced he’s special without doing anything to prove it (if you don’t count driving his dad’s sports car). In the girls who are so intent on making their outsides look good that their insides have become vacant. The examples go on. And on. Somewhere in there, “Self Esteem” got shortened to “Self.” Everyone is special lately. Which, of course, is impossible. And which, of course, voids the meaning of the word altogether.

“Special” has also come to mean reaching the highest heights. Overcoming odds with goal setting and the right amount of optimism and persistence. Being the best and having the most. Real, actual, down deep talent has become obscured by drive. Anyone can become anything, right? And if you can’t, you can always make it look like you can. Did you know that a recent study showed that narcissists could be detected by their Facebook pages? Researchers from the University of Georgia found that the number of Facebook friends and wallposts individuals had on their profile pages correlated with narcissism. Researcher Laura Buffardi said this was consistent with how narcissists behave in the real-world, with numerous yet shallow relationships. In other words, you can’t be “friends” with that many people. A display of friends isn’t the same thing as real ones.

“Narcissism, Present”

These were some of the feelings that drove the writing of THE SIX RULES OF MAYBE. In SIX RULES, Scarlet Hughes is always involving herself in the problems and messes of other people – her friends, her neighbors, her family members. When her sister (the beautiful and aloof Juliet) comes home married and pregnant to a sweet young guy who she seems to have no real love for, everything changes. Scarlet finds herself falling hard for him, and must look at her own life and her own needs for the first time.

Don’t get me wrong. Scarlet is no narcissist. She’s a very nice person who wants the best for everyone. But she does think she has the power to change any outcome, even when it comes to the behavior of other people. She believes that if she persists, she’ll have the love of the guy she wants in the end, and that if she sets her mind to it, everything will go the way she’s steering. Scarlet, though, learns that everything is not in her hands, and that misguided persistence can be as harmful as none at all.

The subtitle of the book could be You Can’t Always Get What You Want, as those great philosophers The Rolling Stones said. But that’s not saying you lose hope. You learn when to hope (or, in the book, you learn The Six Rules of Hope). You persist, but know just as well when to give up. Self esteem is a fine thing when it means you have the confidence to try things as well as the ability to fail at them and not let it decimate you. When it means you hear your own voice and understand it is also part of a chorus. When happiness and meaning are its rewards. But it becomes ugly when it spills over to entitlement and the belief that you are more deserving because you are you. When you believe that you will achieve any goal because YOU + GOAL = SUCCESS. Goals are hard work. Resilience – let THAT be the new “special.” Because resilience means you win occasionally, you don’t win more often, and that you understand at a gut level that we are all bouncing around on a spectrum of ability/talent/looks/money/success/good fortune. You make peace with that and go forward.

“Just your average peacock”

Scarlet is mostly average, like the rest of us (hate to tell ya). She isn’t wildly popular like her sister, or have an amazing talent like her sister, either. She isn’t likely to become a star, as she believes her sister could. But she’s smart and kind hearted and tries her best. It’s not SPECIAL in capital letters, but it’s mighty beautiful, if you ask me.

As far as contemporary misconceptions go? We eventually learned that Earth was not the center of the universe; let’s hope we come to understand that the singular people on it aren’t either. I, for one, think this is great news. Self esteem run amock is as shivery-creepy as leeches, after all. Find joy in doing what you love, not in how it makes you look. You are terrific and not that great, and that’s true and wonderful news. Embrace your beautiful average-ness. And pass it on.